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The Ballad of Captain Morality Written as a farewell to an outstanding comrade. Lyrics: At the crossroads he stands With a bible in (More) Written as a farewell to an outstanding comrade. Lyrics: At the crossroads he stands With a bible in his hands Dressed in black just like an undertaker He's got rhetoric skills And looks that could kill And the moral fiber of a quaker And if the devil would try to steal Kevin's soul Kevin would put that bitch in his place Instead of a fiddle he'd pull out a Glock And he'd shoot that fucker in the face Shoot that fucker in the face... Woah As the time's running down During the debate round Kevin puts the bible on the table He delivers a sermon That makes the Aff squirm and The Aff rebuts as best he's able But the hand of God was on Kevin's side And Jesus sprung right out of his tomb And together the three of them smote down the Aff And sent him crawling back up the womb Crawling back up the womb Literally Because he's Captain Morality There's no moral ambiguity He follows Kantian deontology And he knows all other sorts of shit you see He's Captain Morality Kevin knows Kant, Rousseau, Hegel, Hobbes, and Foucault, When he's going at full throttle He can pull out Aristotle! Diogenes in a barrel Kevin always stands and acts real cool and calm in debate And thereupon pontificates! He'll school you in plurality, He's Captain Morality! And he likes techno He likes techno He likes techno He likes techno He likes techno Techno Techno... Because he's Captain Morality There's no moral ambiguity He follows Kantian deontology And he knows all other sorts of shit you see He's Captain Morality... Kevin, before you go, There's just one thing I gotta say Actually, it's more like three things, Or maybe 506 separate clauses, anyways, It probably won't take too long, At least, I don't think it will, But then again, I've been known to be wordy in the past, So let's dispense with this preamble... Kevin, oh no you don't like Zizek, Backwards your name is Nosmailliw Nivek, Without you I'm a total emotional wreck, All hands to the deck, 'Cos we're sinking below, Woah Kev-o And Kevin, I know you laugh at Kritiks, And critical philosophy, And when you debate policy kids, You nail them on resolutionality, And Kevin maybe someday you'll see, How much you mean to me, I mean, how much you mean to LD, Yeah, maybe some day you'll see... Kevin, I know you don't like Zizek, Backwards your name is Nosmailliw Nivek, Without you I'm a total emotional wreck, All hands to the deck, 'Cos we're sinking below, Woah Kev-o, Kevin, I don't know if you'll be gone, By the time I play this piece, Actually, I do know, Because you're standing right in front of my face. But that was just a rhetorical device That I'm sure you'll appreciate A man has so many regrets in his life, Like never bothering to ask another man, who may perchance, be his debate captain, and could, maybe, be named Kevin, Out on a date... But now it's too late, It's too late, And maybe it's fate, Ooh maybe its fate, But I don't want to wait, And if that fate must tear you away, Then I must kritik fate's resolutionality, Because an argument without me and you Couldn't be resolutional, ooh, It's not resolutional, Nothing's resolutional, Without you. My heart is a tabula rasa, A clean slate to be written on by you And if you'll tell me your general will, I will Do anything you want me to. I'd break every moral side-constraint To maximize your pleasure, Because my only Categorical Imperative Is of the heart, it's something Kant can't measure. When I'm around you, I'm in a state of nature, Devoid of life, liberty and property, Because the only ends that I can justify Are the ones that keep you close to me. Without you, I'm a hollow panopticon I turn around, but there's nothing to see They say hell is other people But you are heaven to me. If you leave me, I'll write my own existential play, "Waiting for Kevo" And since all existential plays really suck You don't want that to happen, oh no... When I'm around you, I'm in a state of nature, Devoid of life, liberty and property, Because the only ends that I can justify Are the ones that keep you close to me. Just four small town boys on a Friday night, Hanging out by the hotel hot tub The people give us peculiar looks; They think we're gay, maybe. Kevin sits and simmers in the tub, And I sit casually by, Michael Moorin dips his feet in the pool, And a gospel choir sings; "Michael row the boat ashore, Hallelujah, Michael row the boat ashore, Hallelujah." But who is that fourth mystery man, On that night before OVI, Will we ever know his name? Guess what; it's me You're a maniac, maniac on the floor, You debate like nothing I've ever seen before. You're a maniac, maniac I adore, And if you permit we'll say a little more... Ave Atque Avale Socius meus Captain Morality Age Vitam Bonam Captain Interficiabo ursulam ab te Wo ai ni, Ni ai wo ma? Wo ai nide tofa Ta shi jinse. Wo ai ni. Hail and farewell My companion Captain Morality Live a good life, My dear captain, I will sacrifice a bear for you. I love you, Do you love me? I love your hair, It is golden. I love you. (Less)
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